I snapped this picture tonight as I’m sitting out on my brother’s deck in Vancouver. It’s almost 10pm. The night is cool, and a slight breeze is lifting the scent of burning trees through the air. Reminds me of a campfire.

Yesterday morning, as we were getting into the car to head to church, we wondered at the bizarre colour of the sky, and even more bizarre-looking sun. The sky was an orangey-brown, and the sun was red. Later, we heard that it was caused by nearby forest fires.

This weekend has been hard for me. Sometimes I feel buried under depression and anxiety, and it seems like it’s always been this way. That’s one of the things I’ve learned about depression…once it grips you, it tries to convince you that you’ve always been under this cloud, this haze of smoke. You forget days of sunshine. You forget the sun even exists.

Sometimes an image pops into my head of what I look like on the inside of this shell. I see a little girl, screaming with fear, crying out in sadness…feeling abandoned, terrified, and worthless. Poor child. I feel so sad and compassionate for the child I see inside. I want to take her up in my arms and give her a safe place, speak kind and comforting words to her, and kiss her on the cheeks. I want to pick her up and carry her, and tell her how precious she is to me.

At church yesterday, across the aisle I saw a father holding his little baby. He tenderly grabbed his son’s face, and kissed him on either cheek, time after time. Oh, how it filled my heart! The father and his child. What love I felt from the interaction between parent and helpless infant! I would be a fool to miss the symbolism spoken so clearly to my heart in that moment: The Father and His child. Can it be true? Is that really how The Father God sees His children? Does He pick even me up, adult as I am, and kiss me tenderly on both cheeks until I comprehend that I am loved? I am an auntie, and it is the best thing in my life! I adore my nephew and nieces. I adore them with such a fierce, protective love…yes, even when I have to change their poopy diapers…yes, even when they throw temper tantrums…yes, even when they’re selfish, annoying, disobedient, and mean. I still love them. And how incomparable is my human love, to that of the perfect Heavenly Father!  Jesus said,

“You fathers—if your children ask for a fish, do you give them a snake instead? Or if they ask for an egg, do you give them a scorpion? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him.” (Luke 11:11-13 NLT)

How do I wrap these musings up into a neatly packaged conclusion? I want to tell that little girl inside about the One who can take her up in His arms and give her a safe place, speak kind and comforting words to her, and kiss her on the cheeks. The one who will pick her up and carry her, and tell her how precious she is to Him. She is His child, after all. I want to tell her just to gaze upon His big, beautiful face, and to trust in those big arms and loving eyes, which will never let her go.

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s light for a look at the Saviour,
And life more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

Rest in peace tonight, dear child.

With love,

Lindsey